


You'll Never Know

by lifeinskinnyjeans



Series: Commander Vakarian [1]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-29
Updated: 2013-06-29
Packaged: 2017-12-16 13:56:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,246
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/862784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lifeinskinnyjeans/pseuds/lifeinskinnyjeans
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mass Effect AU where Garrus Vakarian is commander of the Normandy SR-2 and Shepard is an ex-C-Sec agent and vigilante sniper recently rescued from almost-death on Omega.  Set during ME2.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You'll Never Know

Shepard heard the doors to the main battery open. She turned from the panels in front of her to face the commander. She straightened a bit and clasped her hands behind her at the point where the small of her back met the top of her waist. Her usually soft face was hardened a bit when being addressed by the Normandy's commander. "Commander," she greeted, nodding.

"No need to act so formal around me, Shepard," Garrus replied, his taloned hands at his sides as he remained in the doorway to the battery. The turian had never felt like anyone special, but with everyone on the Normandy calling him by his title of commander, he supposed he might as well get used to it. It had been years on starships traversing the galaxy, ever since he had completed his service in the turian military as every turian has, but Garrus had never felt like he had done anything to gain all the respect everyone gave him.

Sure, perhaps being the prime factor in the destruction of the first Reaper Citadel space had seen in 50,000 years along with the rogue Spectre and army of geth under its control had garnered him _some_  of the respect he got, but being the commander of a Cerberus starship didn't seem like it should garner the rest of the respect Garrus got. And Garrus wasn't happy about having to work with Cerberus to bring down the Collectors, but they were his best chance. Hell, the human standing in front of him with her hands clasped behind her back and her chin held high was probably his best chance at defeating the Collectors right now, but Garrus wasn't going to let either the Illusive Man or Shepard herself know this.

Shepard let her posture slack just a bit and released her hands from each other as she swung them lightly back and forth alongside her thin frame. She gave a friendly smile to the commander before she spoke. "Sorry, Vakarian, force of habit."

"I understand, Shepard." The turian nodded at her.

Shepard glanced back at the panels behind her and then back forward at Garrus. "Was there something you needed, Commander?"

Garrus shrugged lightly, gesturing with his taloned hands. "Nothing in particular, Shepard. Am I interrupting you?"

"No, it's just..." Shepard looked down at the floor and bit her lip, unsure of what she wanted to say.

"Just what?"

She looked back up at Garrus, the plates above his eyes raised in question. She shrugged and turned, taking a few steps to her right. "I dunno. Forget I said anything." Shepard looked back up at Garrus again, having turned her attention to the floor when she had moved from her original position. Upon turning her green eyes back on the turian, Shepard noticed that she had in fact moved back to her original position and was actually standing a few paces away from Garrus himself. If he reached out, he could probably reach her waist or arm with one of his long arms. The thought sent tingles through her, originating from the top of her spine and radiating outward. She had to work to suppress the shiver that resulted, and also to take a step back from him. Taking a rocket to the face seemed like an easier option than trying to communicate with her commander, but she would rather die than be seen as a weak woman. It had taken her everything she had to make it to where she was now, and Omega be damned if anyone on that hollowed-out asteroid even thought of her as such.

Garrus took a step into the room, further closing the distance between him and Shepard. He held his hands together in front of him and tilted his head just to his right, the plates above his eyes now sinking in confusion. "Are you alright, Shepard?"

She nodded, a bit too quickly to be a genuine response, Garrus noted. Whatever verbal answer she was about to give him was going to be a lie, and they both knew it. "Just a little shaken up, I suppose," Shepard said. "I didn't think I'd ever get off Omega, and then you stormed in with Miranda and Jacob and I wasn't sure if I was seeing things through my sniper scope or not. I suppose taking a rocket in the face screws with your head too."

"Well seeing as your face is on your head, that's to be expected." The mandibles surrounding Garrus' mouth moved in the slightest flick of amusement at his own remark.

Shepard smirked as well, but it was a sad smirk. Garrus had an immense amount of respect for the human female in front of him, both for having the ability to piss off all three major mercenary organizations on Omega and for being able to survive a rocket blast to the face. Garrus didn't doubt his ability to do the same thing; he was Commander Vakarian for Spirits' sake, he defeated Saren and Sovereign and the geth army, of course he could survive a rocket blast to the face.

But that wasn't what he was concerned about. He was concerned about Shepard, and how her bright green eyes were now dull with pain. She wasn't trying to mask the emotions on her face either, which made Garrus all the more concerned for her. He released his mask of composure and let his emotions show as well, even if they weren't the easiest to read on a hard turian face. He was confident that Shepard would be able to though. She remained the only one to be able to do so.

Shepard wasn't aware of the battle raging in Garrus' head as she was fighting her own inside hers. She was trying to figure out when she cared for the commander as more than just her commander or her friend. They had always been close on the original Normandy; Garrus frequently came to see her down in the cargo bay after missions, or just when they were killing time in between. The last time they had been on shore leave - God knows how long ago that was - the two had shared a nice, quiet week on the Citadel, just walking around and enjoying each other's company. Shepard wondered if Garrus remembered their third day there. They were just walking around, pretending to be tourists, even if many patrons of the Citadel were in awe at the infamous Garrus Vakarian walked along the corridors of the Citadel like he was just another turian. To Garrus, he was, but not to the hundreds of asari, salarians, humans, and other turians that walked the Citadel. To them, he was Commander Vakarian, the savior of the Citadel, of humans and aliens everywhere, even if no one was really pleased with humans now running the new Council.

Shepard had heard the whispers as they walked around the new C-Sec office. It was Commander Vakarian, savior of the Citadel and all humans and aliens in Citadel space. She had smirked to herself and hooked her arm in his. She had no idea why she felt so possessive of him just then, but he showed no dire reaction to the action, except for maybe the raised plates above his eyes and the stark surprise very evident in them. He had looked at her with that surprise and she had just giggled at him and pulled herself closer to him via their linked arms. When the surprise had finally left his face, it was replaced with contentedness, and Garrus had even introduced Shepard as his partner to a fan of his that just had to talk to him. That made Shepard blush violently, and she later punched him in the arm when they returned to the hotel room they had rented for the week. She had wondered if that was purely a joke in retaliation for her hooking their arms together while walking on the Citadel or if he was subtly hinting at wanting her to be his partner in reality. What Shepard didn't know was that Garrus had in fact thought this very same thing, and wasn't sure if he _had_  meant it solely as a joke or if he wanted to enter into having Shepard as his partner. Turians mated for life, and Garrus had been looking to settle down...It was then that Garrus shook his head and pushed those thoughts aside, wanting to enjoy the shore leave while they had it, because times like those were far and few between.

But Shepard had to remind herself this wasn't their last time on shore leave, this was now, on the Normandy SR-2, the Cerberus starship commanded by none other than Garrus Vakarian. She had just been saved from the shithole asteroid that was universally known as Omega. Shepard had kept her head down there mostly. She knew that the one thing you didn't do if you wanted to stay alive was fuck with Aria, who reigned Omega from her throne atop Afterlife, but Shepard even skirted the boundaries of that rule, once killing one of her personal bodyguards from a vantage point that only she had been able to find. Aria and the rest of Omega had attributed that death to none other than Shepard herself, but she wasn't known as Shepard on Omega. No, everyone in that asteroid knew her as Archangel. It wasn't a name she had given herself, but it had seemed to stick with the locals of the apartments, and Shepard even came to like the nickname as she became increasingly more infamous for doing increasingly more dangerous (and also increasingly stupider) things to get the merc groups to hate her more than they had done on principle when she arrived on the asteroid.

And now she was Shepard again, feeling kind of at home on the Normandy, especially with Joker at the helm again and Garrus commanding the ship. She knew that there were a lot more people to pick up for a mission of this magnitude, and if there was anything she was sure of, it was that Garrus could kick some serious ass. But that had already been proven to her.

Both were so absorbed in their thoughts about the other, neither noticed when they had stopped just short of bumping straight into the other during their pacing of the battery. Both were snapped out of their thoughts when confronted with a form in front of them, and then awkward smiles were exchanged and Shepard blushed lightly and looked away from Garrus. "I should let you get back to work," the turian said. Shepard looked up at him briefly and gave him a curt nod, walking back to the panels. She kept her back to him as he left. Only when she was sure the door had shut behind him did she finally release her mask.

"Shit!" she hissed at no one. She threw her hands up and took her head in her hands, squeezing it as tightly as her skull and hands would allow. "Shit, shit, shit!" Shepard spun around in a circle and then stormed over to her cot, plunking down hard enough to have the cloth almost touch the floor for a second. She then turned and flopped down onto the pillow and stared at the ceiling of the battery. "What the hell am I doing?" she asked the metal. "What the hell was that? We both just kind of stood there and stared at each other or nothing in particular and it was getting more awkward by the second!" Shepard emitted a noise that was something like a cross between a scream and a groan. She thumped her fists on the sides of the cot, narrowly missing the metal borders, then just let herself relax for a couple of minutes. Shepard then took in a deep breath, released it, and stood back up off the cot. She walked to the panels and began the day's calibrations. "Let's not let that happen again," she muttered to herself.

It proved that was much easier said than done. Garrus had taken Shepard and Miranda on the mission to go fetch a convict from the prison ship Purgatory. Her name was Jack, and she was the most insane biotic Shepard had ever seen. She was covered in tattoos, had a shaved head, and a bad attitude to boot. She cared for no one but herself, and while Shepard admired that to some degree, wanting to kill everyone that ever did anything wrong to you and then some seemed too extreme to Shepard. When they had all left the comm room, Garrus had come down to the battery to talk to her again. She knew it was him when she heard the battery doors open. Her hands froze on the panels and she didn't turn to face him right away. _What did we tell ourselves about not letting last time happen again?_  she thought angrily. "Shepard?" Garrus called.

She took a half second to compose herself the best she could and then turned to face her commander. "Commander," she replied, turning. Her voice was curt and attempting to be polite. Garrus didn't much think she had succeeded, but that wasn't something to be telling her at the current moment.

"What have I told you about being formal?" the turian said.

Shepard smirked and blinked, keeping her eyes closed for a moment longer than normal. "Vakarian," she corrected herself.

Garrus' mandibles flicked just enough to be perceptible. "Do you have a minute?" he asked, stepping inside the battery and letting the door close behind him.

Shepard nodded and pressed a button on the screen of one of the panels. "Yeah," she answered simply, her mouth curved in that smirk only Garrus recognized as the one she used when nervous but trying to hide it.

He waited a moment before speaking. It took him some effort to keep his eyes on Shepard as he began to speak. "I wanted to talk about our last...altercation."

Shepard turned her eyes to the ground for a moment before letting her head follow. "Oh."

"We both know it was less than pleasant."

Shepard snorted and looked to the side. "Yeah," she murmured. Garrus barely heard her.

"Look, Shepard, I -" Garrus cut himself off. Shepard looked back up at him, expectant. Her eyebrows raised slightly in a question as she waited for the turian to gather his words. Garrus turned his head and glanced over at the battery for a moment before returning his attention to Shepard. Their eyes met and locked. Silence was the only thing they exchanged for a handful of minutes. Without breaking their eye contact, Garrus took two steps toward Shepard. "I wanted to apologize for the other day."

"What are you apologizing for?" Shepard's green eyes were bright with interest.

"Conversation is a two-way exchange, Shepard. If one says nothing, the other is at a loss for what to say."

"Are you blaming yourself?"

"For what?"

"For what happened during our last 'altercation,' as you called it."

"Yes."

"Don't."

Garrus titled his head to the left just slightly. Their eye contact still had not been broken. "Shepard..." he started.

"Don't blame yourself. It wasn't entirely your fault." Shepard's eyes were now bright with something aside from interest, and it took Garrus a second to pinpoint what it was: guilt. But guilt wouldn't brighten someone's eyes, it would most likely darken them? So what was Shepard hiding in hers that Garrus couldn't see? It was unusual for Shepard to hide her emotions around Garrus, so what didn't she want him to see would have been the better question.

"Are you blaming yourself now?" Garrus asked.

Shepard shrugged. "Myself. You. But mostly myself."

"Why?"

It took all of Shepard's efforts to not break her eye contact with Garrus. His small blue eyes were like daggers of ice, piercing as easily through her light armor as a knife through a stick of butter. She would not let her weakness show. "Because," she finally answered.

The turian's eyes flared with anger for an instant. "That's not good enough, Shepard."

"It's good enough for me."

"Dammit, Shepard!" Garrus' eyes flicked away from Shepard's for nothing more but a moment, a brief respite. When they landed back on hers, they were flared with anger. It would be a lie if Shepard told herself she wasn't afraid. "Why?" he repeated, the anger obvious in his voice.

" _Because_ ," Shepard repeated, gathering courage from the anger emanating from the turian.

"Why?" Garrus asked again.

"Because."

"Shepard! Why?"

Shepard couldn't bring herself to merely answer "Because" again. Garrus' eyes were brighter than she had ever seen them, the anger so obvious in them and on the rest of his face. His jaw was set, making his jawline seem sharp enough to cut through her skin. She had no doubt his talons could, if he set his mind to it. But violence was always a last resort for Garrus when it came to his crew members, or anyone he cared about.

Shepard sighed and looked away from Garrus, over at the panels she had been so focused on just a few minutes before. She leaned against them, her side facing Garrus. Hot, angry tears began to well in her eyes. She tried to fight them back, but they still fell. One landed on the edge of the panels, the other on her right hand. The more she tried to fight them back, the more they fell. Shepard wiped her face on the back of her hand and still didn't look at Garrus.

Even watching the tears fall down her soft face, Garrus' anger didn't ebb. He wanted an answer out of Shepard and he was going to get one. A few tears didn't matter to him right now. "Shepard," he called, the anger leaking out of his voice anyway. "Why?"

She turned back to him, small hands balled tightly into fists, her face red from the tears streaming down the same paths from her eyes, her whole body tense. Garrus had never seen her like this, not even on the old Normandy. "Because you don't know how much it hurts!" She used her words like bullets, each one aiming at the same place.

Confusion now pervaded Garrus' face and voice. "How much what hurts?" he asked, fighting an inner battle against feeling concerned for Shepard and being angry at her.

"Seeing you walking the Normandy without knowing." The tears seemed to have stopped, but Shepard's face was still red, and body was still tense, her hands still balled into tight fists. She wanted to hit him, beat him to pieces, until he knew how much she cared for him. She had come to terms with it the day after Garrus had come to talk to her in the battery before retrieving Jack.

"Without knowing what?" Garrus asked, the same confusion mixed with anger in his voice and on his face.

Shepard's balled fists released themselves and he saw her body relax slightly. "How much I care about you."

Like popping the heat sink on a pistol, whatever anger Garrus still felt toward Shepard in that moment just dissipated. He now felt like a complete and total asshole, though some part of him thought he shouldn't. He had always been there for her on the old Normandy, whenever she wanted to see him, he was always there for her to see. But had he unknowingly changed somehow? Had Cerberus bringing him back to life changed the Garrus Vakarian that Shepard had come to know? Fear made itself prevalent on the turian's face as these thoughts raced through his head. "Shepard, I..." He didn't know what to say. He could find no words in any language he knew.

"What?" Shepard asked, her body tense again, like she was preparing for a fight. Garrus was glad the door was closed.

"I didn't know."

"Of course not. I didn't want you to."

"Why?"

Shepard snorted, something that would usually have some humor in it, but didn't contain a trace of now. "And we're back to square 1," she muttered. "The same damn question that got us here."

"Why didn't you want me to know how much you cared for me?" Garrus asked. His voice was soft. He wanted an answer out of her worse than ever, but didn't know how to get it from her without hurting her further.

"Because you're my commander," Shepard answered with a small shrug.

"And that's supposed to make a difference?" A bead of anger returned.

A moment of silent contemplation. Shepard looked away from Garrus. "I suppose not."

Garrus took the few steps between him and Shepard and took her small hand in his larger one. He looked down at their connected hands before looking up at her downturned face. He tilted his head, thinking that doing so would increase his chances of her looking up at him, and he asked yet again, "Why didn't you want me to know?"

Shepard looked up at him when he finished his question. Tears were forming in her eyes again, but these were tears borne of fear. This was the point of no return. _Actually, you passed that a while back, but just didn't realize it._  She pushed that thought aside as she let others run and the tears fall down her face. She was afraid that if she told Garrus how she felt, how much she really did care about him, everything would change and it wouldn't be able to go back to the way it was. She was afraid that she was never going to be seen as anything more than just 'Shepard' by him again. Shepard, his old companion that he had met on the Citadel his first time there, looking for evidence against Saren. They had been through so much together already, Shepard didn't think anything would ever be the same between them again, and maybe telling him how she felt would only make things worse.

But she had told herself that she wasn't going to let another day go by without letting Garrus know how she felt about him. That was six days ago. She had never failed this badly at gathering up courage. Shepard just supposed this was a different type of courage, and she cursed herself for it and nothing in particular. "Shepard?" Garrus pressed, squeezing lightly on the hand that he still had a grasp on.

"Because I'm afraid."

"Afraid of what?"

"Of everything changing."

"Everything has already changed. Quite a lot too."

"That's not what I mean, Garrus." Her face was solemn, not in a mood for jokes such as Garrus had just tried to make. Her despondent voice was poorly masked in annoyance.

"Then what do you mean?" Garrus asked, returning to a serious tone.

Fresh tears poured from Shepard's eyes as she thought about how to phrase her next sentences. "I'm afraid that nothing is going to be able to go back to the way it was. I'm afraid that I'm never going to be just Shepard to you again. I'm afraid that..." She fumbled for words. "I'm afraid I'm going to lose you."

Without hesitation or any verbal answer to her, Garrus gathered Shepard in his arms and hugged her tightly to him. She broke down against his chest and he just held her there. He would do so for however long was necessary. He rested his head on top of hers as she sobbed her heart out, and he closed his eyes as he began to run his talons through her hair.

It took her twenty minutes to stop crying. She didn't pull away from him when she did. Garrus didn't want her to. "You won't lose me." He spoke those words truer than anything he had ever said.

"Good," Shepard mumbled against him, sniffling. "I already thought I did once, when the old Normandy was attacked. I didn't think I would ever see you again." She gave him a tight squeeze. "And now you're here, you're back, and we're on another Normandy more beautiful than I could have ever imagined. And I don't ever want to lose you again, ever."

Garrus gently pulled Shepard's head out from his chest and held it in his taloned hands. "You won't. Ever. That's a promise."

Shepard gave Garrus a small smile, made much sadder than she intended it to be with her face red from crying. "Good," she whispered.

Garrus rested his forehead against hers and held her gaze. Shepard recognized that as a sign of affection and her smile widened. She closed her eyes for a moment, giving silent thanks to whatever was out there that they returned Garrus to her. When she opened them again, Garrus' blue eyes were shining with affection and his promise to never leave her. She kept her hand clasped together around his neck and he returned the gesture by releasing her face and holding his hands on either side of her waist. She was happy again, something she never thought she would truly be until she had Garrus next to her again.

He was in front of her now, his grip gentle on her slightly protruding hip bones, but the technicalities didn't matter to her. He was here, with her now, and she never wanted this moment to end, even if she knew it had to.

**Author's Note:**

> Shakarian feels are ruining my life.


End file.
